updates from manderley

January 9, 2013 § Leave a comment

sometimes i enjoy talking to myself, getting to the bottom of it. 

“let’s get to the bottom of it,” i say. “why am i not grading?” no response at first, and then a little chuckle. “oh quit your laughs. damn your laughs!”

i finished reading rebecca in 2 days. it marked me, in surprising ways: i cleaned my house up, feeling there was no reason a great estate such as manderley could be clean but not my small apartment; i brushed my hair twenty times each side and whispered, “dark cloud of hair” to my own reflection; i took to laughing like i imagine rebecca laughs.

i forgot to mention that i scared myself in the mirror with the dark cloud bit.

here are some reasons i will not ever be rebecca:

1. rebecca can sail and ride horses

2. rebecca is loved everywhere she goes, whereas my presence is a neutral force and in some circles is merely tolerated

3. rebecca sits down each morning after breakfast to write her letters, whereas i look at buzzfeed all day and hate it

4. rebecca has very small feet

5. rebecca owns beautiful underwear

really, i do so appreciate your readership. it keeps me writing. the room is cleared of christmas now. a lily from a bouquet arches open, grotesque and fragrant. we could not understand the smell of it.

life is so much a we–so much a different kind of flower. i have to wake up early these weeks, and this morning i thought how strange it was that i should be driving to talk to some people, when really i should be working somewhere freeing david from the marble. 



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