math and english

December 17, 2012 § Leave a comment

i said i would write for ten minutes, then walk away and make hot chocolate, then come back and edit it. that’s what i’ll do, then.

it never used to be something i had to schedule like a pill. it used to be something i needed to do, to release and reveal. but that’s just one of the many ways that many things have changed since college.

part of what i enjoy about getting older is noticing all the ways i don’t understand anything. but it’s a particular twisting pleasure. i enjoy it as you might enjoy cracking your back in the morning.

(side note: i’m worried i’m beginning to write like my college students because i teach them and read their work for hours. i want to say it’s a famous saying–it’s probably not famous nor a saying–that teachers slowly regress to the age of the students they teach. notice i wrote “many” twice and “things” once and abused the “you” pronoun. hopefully awareness will repel it. )

the state of the union is solid, if that’s your concern. but everything is so profoundly different from five years ago, which is so profoundly different from everything five years before that. what a stupid thought!

i had a holiday party the other night, because i’ve been wanting to host something since april, and 10 months is exactly how long it takes me to do something that i want to do.

i think a lot about rates and ratios these days, for no good reason. but i am convinced that the key to romantic happiness is to find someone who moves at the same rate. it is nothing more than swimming: symmetry.

the party was a success. tonight, Guy and i ate leftover cheese and crackers and olives. i don’t know why something like that isn’t considered a proper meal. was it because it was all unbalanced, unmeasured portion of pantry food? that seems like a sort of bias. like i’m supposed to cook porkchops and cabbage in my apron? fuck that.

then i’ll be at the counter, trying to halve a lemon on a dinner plate. it slips and bounces against my boob. “this is why people use good knives and aprons.” it’s hard to differentiate between The Establishment and common sense, admittedly.

back when i did online dating, i was very obsessed with balance. i mentioned it in my ad and thought about this axis or that and how to achieve the perfect balance on them. are people halves? jagged edged? are they equal circles?

jarred candles vs. jello shots. pisco punch vs. lemon drops.

i served brie because i had it once in college. a friend i considered a real adult, a real woman served baked brie at a wine-drinking thing. real women drink wine, i thought, and wear expensive heels.

so i had my brie, and my middle-shelf vodka. and all i really wanted was to get super trashed like i used to. rolling in the grass and looking at midget porn, knocking over hookahs, then running into the ocean out of shame. i think, though, no one can have a coin with only tails.

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